Breaking the Habit
by andrea33304
Summary: Draco rethinks being a Death Eater. Vital to 'It's Not Over 'Till We're Underground'. The main one won't make sense without it. By the way, please review this and the main story...


Breaking the Habit

A story about Draco and the choices he's made. Based on the song by Linkin Park, and talks about Draco rethinking this entire 'Death Eater' thing and what is right. Ties into part of the plot of It's Not Over 'till We're Underground, where Draco goes to the Blackwells.

THIS IS A CLASSIFIED AND PRIVATE DOCUMENT

THOUGHTS OF: DRACO MALFOY, 7/14/97

My name is Draco Malfoy, and since the beginning of my sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I have been a Death Eater. Like my father before me, I joined the army of the Dark Lord, who is on a mission to rule the wizarding world. To do that, He must kill Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived.

Personally, I do not like Harry Potter. Nor Mudbloods. Potter cannot live up to his fame, and he does not recognize the importance of being with people who are on the same part of the social ladder as you. Potter would much better be off with someone like me as a friend; we're both higher in status than most people. He's famous and rich, just like me. If he had hung out with me, we could have had some real potential. And Mudbloods- from what I've learned, they're lower than dirt. I agree with that, actually. Wizards are more powerful than Muggles by far, so, obviously, being purely wizard makes you more powerful than someone with mixed blood.

But- Granger's a Mudblood, and she was _obviously_ born with a larger brain than most people… She's far too strong for her own good… so… is she more powerful than someone like me...? No, that's nonsense… Yes, absolute nonsense.

Nonetheless, _why_ doesn't Potter see he would be better off without the Mudblood and that sad excuse for a pureblood?

I don't understand that. _Why _did Weasley find it so completely necessary to jinx me when I called Granger Mudblood? We obviously both know that's what Granger is. Of course, Weasley's had a crush on that disgusting girl since… whenever. Which brings me to my next point- why does he like her so much? Or, why is someone like him even feeling _affection_ for someone like her? Why are he and Potter even _friends_ with those sorts of people?

Hmm… this is getting absolutely nowhere. The best piece of advice I've ever gotten was to carve things into their simplest forms, and find the simplicity in problems.

_Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again _

Alright, let's get to the bottom of this... First of all, what is affection? Affection is when you feel a connection with someone and you enjoy spending time with them. Okay... now, what makes someone feel affection to another? Well, you feel affection for someone when their character appeals to you. You enjoy their company, and they mean a lot to you.

So now that we've got that figured out... Weasley and Potter, according to what my definitions are, like Granger because they enjoy her company and she appeals to them. Okay. Maybe they like her because... she's devoted to her friends. Remember that time she slapped me? Really bitchy of her, true, but she only did it because I was poking fun at that half-giant and his stupid bird. I don't know...

She's lucky, though. She's got friends who care about her. Some people... don't really have friends... the only 'friends' they have don't even really care about m-them.

Maybe blood doesn't have anything to do with it... Maybe... friendship doesn't... no-wait... I d-don't know... hmm...

Well, honestly, between myself, me, and I, I do wish I had friends like Granger. They care about her, and they love her... For me, the only person that maybe feels some sort of that kind of affection is my mother. Well, it used to be like that. Way back when she wasn't so active with the Dark Lord and when I was young and still discovering the world. Now it's gone... my father never felt that way, nor did Professor Snape nor any of my friends. To my father, I was just someone who would follow in his footsteps and become a rich ruler. To Snape, I'm just Lucius Malfoy's son. To my friends, I was just a mean kid with power over weaker people. What would it be like to have friends? It sounds pretty nice to me...

But if I do my Death Eater tasks, all these people that may love me would be murdered...

_I don't want to be the one_

_The battles always choose_

_'Cause inside I realized_

_That I'm the one confused_

Well, is this really worth it? What's the good in becoming a Death Eater? What's gonna come out of working for the Dark Lord? I mean, all we're going to do is kill innocent people and gain power. Who's gonna be there? All of our friends will either be dead or too caught up with power. And if Voldemort does become ruler, of all us, his servants, will be fighting to get the most power, and we'll all end up killing each other trying to be the most powerful, after Voldemort, of course. We'll be miserable, power-hungry brats who've killed off everyone who ever meant anything to them or loved them.

What is the _point _of this? Right now, this entire 'Death Eater' thing is not sounding very good to me. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth it to... kill innocent people just to get power and then end up lonelier than you were before? Doing this... we're just murdering people, and if we keep it up, they'll be no-one left to rule, and we'll be all alone in this deserted world with no-one to love.

_Clutching my cure_

_I tightly lock the door_

_I try to catch my breath again_

_I hurt much more_

_Than anytime before_

_I have no options left again_

Why did I become a Death Eater? I had thought... that this power was good... that I was superior to everyone... my father and the Dark Lord wanted me to... but... if this means killing innocent people who are just trying to live life happily and make the world a better place... how much good will that do for any of us?

Now... I don't really want to be a Death Eater... but what can I do? The Dark Lord was upset when I was having a problem with my assignment, and I admit I was completely terrified... what would he say if he found out I ran away? What would he say if he even knew what I was thinking?

Where would I go? I could go to the other side, but without Dumbledore... he promised me safety and refuge, and I want it, but he's dead- and how strong will the other side be without him?

_I don't know what's worth fighting for_

_Or why I have to scream_

_I don't know why I instigate_

_Or say what I don't mean_

_I don't know how I got this way_

_I know it's not alright_

_So I'm breaking a habit_

_I'm breaking a habit_

_Tonight_

I'm so confused- on one hand, I can take the risk and try to join the other side. But how could they accept me? I had attempted to kill innocent people and helped kill one of the other side's most important people... On the other hand, though, I can remain on the Dark side and kill the innocent and grow old, lonely and unhappy.

But then again... What would I prefer? Would I rather prefer to die knowing that I will have saved someone from pain and at least tried to do good, or would I rather remain alive and become powerful with the guilt of murder hanging over me?

Why should I even be asking myself this question? The answer's completely obvious- I can't kill someone. If I had problems trying to work out a murder plan, how could anyone think I could actually carry something out so... evil and... inhumane?

Well, reader, I believe I have made a decision. I am writing this particular part down so that if I die, someone will know that I was sorry for all that I did. After strenuous thinking and decision making, I've realized that life, no matter how appealing it may be, cannot be enjoyed to its fullest without someone you love and that loves you back to be there to support you, no matter what you may go through. And so I have decided to leave Voldemort to seek forgiveness, and try and find the love I have secretly yearned for my entire life. Hopefully, I will receive forgiveness and find refuge in the arms of the other side and help in the battle against the Dark Lord. But if I don't and I die, at least I will have died knowing that I have made the right decision.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy, former Death Eater


End file.
